You know the knife
It’s been buried in your chest
For years
That’s just the way it is
You believed
For so long

But even when you stopped believing
That chasm still exists
And the knife can be put in
And again

With some people
It’s a premeditated
Knowing action
And with others
It’s an unconscious opportunity

Once I’ve got the knife in
…well I can do what I want
She knows it’s there
I know it’s there

She’s ok
I’m ok, and happy

But that knife doesn’t work like that
The knife holds you hostage
Within yourself

You want to keep it still
You want to keep it stable
And you know how to do that
You’ve been trained for that
Throughout your life

And you dream
That the knife isn’t going to twist
Because when it does
It hurts you
And that’s what you’re trying to protect

But invariable it does turn
As soon as you feel the knife
You know there’s danger
(that’s logical thinking
which unless you’re immune from emotion
ain’t going to work)
Emotion eclipses that.

So you let the knife lay there
Knowing you’ve let it in
The only question
Even though you hope it wont happen
And you can live
And the person wielding the knife that can hurt
Won’t hurt you

But when that knife turns
Too many times to ignore
Deliberate or not
(there’s no law in this arena)
You feel the blood

Seeping out
At first
And then gushing out
When you realize
How deep, the wound
The slow twisting
And then the final thrust
Hurts you

And you leak
You leak your love
Your emotions
Your feelings
Your experiences

All those things
That when the knife was laying silently
Within you
Not moving
You couldn’t say

Because of the fear
The answers,
The answers, that ultimately free you.
Either in a brutal or gentle fashion.

-Judi Reed, 2016