I’m sitting here reflecting on the last year. And no, it’s not because I’m running late from New Years (that was the best ever)! This was around the time I had my most spectacular (and not in a good way) breakdown last year, and entered again the world of severe clinical depression and high high high OCD anxiety, and I wished I didn’t exist, but I was going to keep existing for my children even though everyday felt like hell.
The 12 months since that point have been hard, with that black cloud, and all it represents following me around everywhere and not being able to shake it. Every day, 24 hours a day it was telling me how shit I was, how worthless I was, how I didn’t have a place in this world, how I fucked everything that I touched up.
For all my life (which for me started at 14 because I have very little recollection before due to the head injury sustained at that age), I have had issues with trust and loyalty and respect. Not with giving, but with receiving, for I never felt worthy of it, because my only value was what I could give or do for others, I lacked any intrinsic value. So I became quite hardened where I was concerned but still remained soft in relation to others – that’s a character trait of mine that will never disappear.
However, several years ago, when I left my marriage, completely drained, feeling like a shell of a person, again not being shown the love and respect I had hoped for in such a serious union, and two children later, knowing the relationship had drained me of everything, I decided to open up myself to believing in new people, and believing that there were genuine people out there, and that I was worthy.
My babe in the woods status of believing must have seemed like I was a beacon of light to disingenuous people. Opening up, and making myself vulnerable made me easy prey – not only would I give and give because I thought that’s what I should do, but I’d let my guard down and was deciding to trust. I remember one particular fucker who repeatedly asked me to trust them, and I gave it all, I gave that trust, and I found out they’d been blatantly lying, absolutely trashing any sense of who I was and what I stood for behind my back for the entire time. and everyone else knew the truth but me, as I had chosen to give them that trust. That didn’t end well (obviously) it actually lead to public humiliation on a scale I had never imagined.
But, I persisted, and yes, got fucked by several people after that, leading, I think, to me totally collapsing. I had so wanted to believe that I was actually worth all those good things, that I didn’t see when I was being shafted and abused. And that realisation, that those people who had professed otherwise, when I had made myself open and vulnerable, hit me like a tonne of bricks. It was like everything I was challenging within myself about not being worthy of respect and love, were being shown to be true.
Thankfully however, the last twelve months, despite being utter hell, have also taught me that loyalty and respect do exist in others too, and that, from a personal perspective, some individuals genuinely thought I deserved that too. It’s been fucking tough, but man, I’m so glad that I did somehow, in my own dysfunctional way, remain open, and still allowed that tiny sliver of belief (even if I wasn’t consciously aware of it), because I have been so lucky to have my beautiful children giving me love even when I haven’t felt loveable or that I deserve them, and some of the amazing people that have been in my life over the past few years, and more significantly, taught me that they valued me – enough to put up with me and support me through the last 12 months when I really wished I didn’t exist. They were there, and kept reminding me in so many ways, to keep existing and that I was worth something. And I issue a big thank you to them, they are my people, that’s what I would do for others, but they gave it to me.
I am one lucky chick