I think for some of us, self forgiveness doesn’t come easy. As has been said many times before, some of us are our own harshest critics, and I’ll well and truly put my hand up as one of those. During several periods in my life, I became so adept at this that I had it down to an art-form. And I’ve been going through one of those periods for months now, resulting in one motherfucker of a crash earlier this week, which was, and still is, scary as hell.
I believe for many of us it is hard to see, or remember, the good intentions behind our actions, and we allow a feeling of failure, and the knowledge that we couldn’t cope, got things wrong, or made bad judgement calls, erode our sense of self, our sense of self-worth, and the value of our individual identity.
Today, as you can probably tell, because I’m writing this, this has been a focus for me, as I recover from the cumulative affects of many things over the last year or two that have been gradually eroding my ability to feel genuine self love, therefor blocking my ability to allow self forgiveness, and instead, with each passing day, have become harder and harder on myself, and at times self-destructive.
Today, I have consciously made the decision to start practicing self forgiveness, self love, and self acceptance again, despite my perceived failings, bad judgment calls, and not being able to cope effectively with what has become a growing number of different stressors. Today, I am starting the process of being as gentle, caring and non-judgemental with myself, as I would if it was a friend who had experienced what I have been experiencing. Today, is my line in the sand, and I have chosen to cross it, to the side I should never have left. Today I start believing in myself again.
I’m not sharing this as a statement to let everyone know I have been and still am struggling badly with some things. But rather, I think many other people experience similar patterns, feel alone in their experiences, and find themselves engulfed by the darkness of the mind, and struggle to find or bring back the light. Always remember, things can change. And even if you just start that process of change by making a conscious decision to practice self forgiveness and self love, you’re allowing a little bit of your own light to start glowing again. (And seek appropriate external support. I can’t stress highly enough how important that is)
– Judi Reed, 2015