Would you like to try our special Sir?
The soup of the day?
We pride ourselves on only using the finest ingredients
For quality ingestion
Willy Wonka has nothing on us
When it comes to authenticity of flavor

Let me tell you about it
It is a soup of tears
We only harvest our ingredients
From the most distressed, fucked up women we can find
To ensure that true tear taste
For you, the discerning diner

How do we harvest it?
I’m glad you asked.
We wait
Until the leaking eyes
Release those hot, wet, plump, tears
But we do not charge in and grab them then
No
That would be removing
The special seasoning which is added by them rolling down the cheek
So they can naturally drop into the bowl
Nothing but the best here
For you Sir

You will taste the salty tang
Which admittedly can be too strong for some
You will taste the hopelessness
You will taste the pain
And sometimes if you’re lucky
You will taste the agony of the heart
(but that is something we can never guarantee
because every bowl is unique)

Often there will be traces of valium, alcohol or other drugs
But that depends on if you opt for the fresh new tear soup
Or the angst ridden hours variety.
And that choice Sir, is entirely yours

Either way,
You’ll be taken on a journey
And when you have finished your entrée
We pride ourselves of providing
A large manly steak
Cooked rare of course
And you will be taken back
To the basic instinct
Of carnivorous need
Basal instincts
Where those tears and emotions
Don’t exist.

And to finish your dining experience
We offer not a regular aperitif,
but unlimited tankards of strong ale
Dancing girls and drinking songs
So you can move on
Go forth
And forget.

We hope you enjoy our unique service
The fact we’re booked solid for months in advance
Is testimony
To the efficacy of our menu

– Judi Reed, 2014